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Take chicken out of fridge. Take it out of the package. Look at it as if it were a dead newt.
Poke at it a bit. Don’t know why, but this always helps tenderize it.
Look for cutting board….Oh, I was supposed to already have it out to put the chicken on???? Oopsy.
Open drawer, cutting board not there. Open dishwasher….ahh, there it is, crammed by daughter in the back. Wonder how in the world the cutting board will even get cleaned that way?
Get water hot from faucet, add a dash of liquid soap and clean board yourself. Wash hands.
Put chicken on board. Run after child who just touched chicken and wash his hands.
Find knife! No, not for the child, for the chicken.
Grab a leg, look at knife, look at leg, look at knife, look at leg. Start cutting chicken leg and pray that you don’t end up trying to cut the bone. Wrestle a bit with the leg coming off.
Ahhh, finally it’s off.
Try to remember what you just did and do it to the other leg.
Next, analyze the wings, and take a gander on how to cut those puppies off.
Ok, after sweating profusely and ending up with two mangled chicken wings, next would be taking off the breast.
Cut chicken in half while it’s on its side.
Remember what mother said about the back. It has to be broken first so that it can be cooked evenly. Grab back and press the middle with your thumbs and pull back the sides and wait to hear it snap. When nothing happens, look around the kitchen to see if there’s anything you have to help.
Go into garage into hubby’s toolbox. Grab hammer. Beat the snot out of the back of the chicken.
Ooops, I forgot to wash the hammer before I used it. Durn it! Oh well. Throw the chicken back in the trash. We didn’t need it anyway, did we?
Look at chicken breast and mutter about how much the family loves chicken stew. Throw the chicken into a big pot with water and have done with it!